Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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