Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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