I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We left an ass print on the piano.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
