The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
