The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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