someone get that fucking seahorse.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
