Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize