I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
