I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
