"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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