I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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