My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
