I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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