I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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