I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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