Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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