i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
