I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He has the fingertips of a God
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