ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
