Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
