life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
