you guys were way drunker than both of me
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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