I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
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He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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