just tell him i said nine months
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
