One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just had sex on a roof
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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