Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
