I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I did not marry a roomba.
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