Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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