I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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