So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
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i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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