Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just googled if crying burns calories
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
