so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
