I accidentally had phone sex last night
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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