Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You are a genius and a whore.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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