"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
