What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
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i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
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I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.