omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.