i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
