i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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