i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
