WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
