Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
