shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
