Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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