I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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