Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
