I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
