Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
