If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
