Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
