my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
