What did we do last night that was yellow?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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