how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
