I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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