for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
