If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
