I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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