My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm really busy with my period
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