He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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