i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Just puked most of my soul out..
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
